#26acts

The photo on the front of the card

Friday I got a voice mail. It was explaining that on December 29, 2012; "because Congress has not acted, my federal extended unemployment benefits will stop."

That small drip from the faucet that has been keeping us afloat, is no longer dripping. When I told my wife sitting across the table about it, the color drained from her face. I retreated inward, trying very hard not to show my anger, frustration, and self-loathing I have had for myself. This was just another night where I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel coming and I feel like I just got run over by the train that was coming. All of a sudden all the money we have saved, all the sales we found to help Santa deliver an amazing Christmas for our kids seemed like a stupid stupid decision. We felt guilty. We felt stupid.

I was scared. I was uncertain. Not only did unemployment help pay the rent, but it also helped pay Audrey's school tuition. Now all that was up in the air. What was going to happen? My wife was visibly upset. Fighting tears all night and losing that fight a few times. She's been working all that she could possibly work to keep our family treading water in the sea of uncertainty.

In situations like this I have felt that my friends have grown tired of hearing how bad we have it. I often feel like you are growing tired of my ranting and venting on what has been happening. I had no intentions of even writing this post, because people have come forward to try and help where they can. I don't want anyone to feel like their help isn't/wasn't appreciated, because it is. The emails I have gotten from folks. The people who have come back into my life working behind the scenes to make something happen for me and my family. Their efforts are all appreciated and one of the greatest gifts I could have ever asked for.

Saturday morning was a groggy morning. I know Jenn cried herself to sleep and so did I cuddling on the couch with my 10 year old Friday night. Feeling like a failure does that. Whether or not I am a failure means very little when you feel like it. So when I woke up, I hear friends are driving from PA to see us before Christmas. They had a "card from Santa" which, because of their ongoing generosity  over the years, was probably a card from them that we would reject if it had any kind of financial help in it. Our friends shouldn't feel any obligation to help us outside of being friends. I don't ever expect friends to give us financial help and they are simply my friend because they are good people.

When they got here they brought lunch and handed Jenn a card. It simply was a card with Santa in the forest. On the inside it said Merry Christmas. What was inside was completely amazing and when we said, guys we cannot take this, they looked at us and said, "it isn't from us...we had nothing to do with this other than to deliver it". They were just told to drop it off. It wasn't from their parents or family. The card was simply a card from someone anonymous who said to tell us, simply, it was from Santa.

I got up and left the room. My daughters have probably seen me cry once. I fell to the floor in the other room and started sobbing like a baby. Last time that happened I was by my Grandfather's side as he slipped into the other side. I haven't been this overcome with emotion in a long time.

It was an amazing gesture and the second time someone we didn't know came to help when we thought all hope was lost and we were in a corner. My mom has been saying for this entire time, you have to have in Trust Him. She said our way of thinking is changing. It isn't changing, it has changed.

I can't help but think of Ann Curry's 26 acts of kindness campaign. I have been sitting here thinking of various things I could do. Lots of people have given money to people, like paying for coffee for the people in line at the coffee shop, or donating to charity. I have not been able to do those financial gifts. So what was I going to do? I have been giving all the coin change from the stores to the Salvation Army, the only thing I could really do. We give them a smile and a Merry Christmas, but I felt like it was nothing compared to the generosity of what others have shown strangers and, in particular, us.

Watching the news I never thought I would be on the receiving end of an act of kindness like the one shown to us, not just this past Saturday, but since May. That isn't just me trying to be humble, that is a God's honest truth.

I have had some friends grow closer, some grow apart, but I love every single one of them. My way of thinking has changed forever. Life is teaching me to be a better friend, a better brother, a better son, a better husband, and a better father.

To Santa or whoever you enlisted to help you, I say thank you for helping us. I know you didn't do it for public adulation, but I say thank you many times anyway.

I hope the job interview I had this past week turns out well. I will find out the second week of January.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, because I know this Christmas is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I hope it has been amazing for you too.

Our Saturday Distraction

I was sitting in the band room. My hand folded in my lap, eyes foggy with tears. The band director came into the room, closed the double doors to the room and took his seat on the director's podium. Trying to situate himself in his seat he realized he was up above the class. He moved his seat from the perch and get down to our level.

In the coming 45 minute period we all spoke. Shared our grief. Shared our concerns. Shared our own brush with this kind of violence in our school.

Once we all said our peace, our band director outlined his plan for safety and what he would do should this same tragedy happened in our school.

That was April 21, 1999. I was a senior in high school. It was the day after the Columbine school shooting. That was 13 years ago, and if you asked my 18 year old self then that we would still be having this conversation, I would tell you no way, let alone with a daughter of my own.

So 13 years later I am rushing out the door. My destination was Kent, Ohio where I was invited by a fellow fire photographer to cover a live fire training at an apartment complex marked for demolition. The night before, I asked Audrey if she would like to go. I gave her the timeline and she politely told me she would like to stay home. A 7:30am departure time is early for a kid who likes to sleep in on weekends.

I was just pulling off my street when I got a text saying she would like to go. Had it been any other day I would have kept going, calling her and telling her that she cannot decide once I left to change her mind. She would have to live with her decision and maybe next time she will get up and go. But it wasn't any other day.

I told her she had 5 minutes. I turned around and headed back to the house to pick her up. I was already 10 minutes behind, I am just going to get further behind, but it was important to have my daughter with me today. Thirteen years ago I needed a distraction. I needed something to focus on that was not the news. What better distraction would be to witness an apartment building burn?

Sharing your passions with your children is important. Telling them you really like something and showing them how much you like it is quite another. My dad used to be into martial arts. He found it to be an outlet once he left the military and special forces after Vietnam. He used to be in great shape. When I was growing up I heard all about how much he loved it, but he never showed us. He showed us pictures. He told us stories. Never once did she show us in the flesh how he could break a brick with his hand.

My goal in life was to always be the dad to my daughters that I never had. The guy who was at every thing I could possibly be in. Make it to more things than I missed. Volleyball games, gymnastics recitals, practices, school activities, and being there for her when she needed me. So taking her to a photo shoot that the main subject was smoke, fire, and firemen seemed like a good opportunity to show her how much I loved taking photos of them, and teach her a few things about fire safety.

Up until this point she had never seen anything but a campfire. So seeing a large building catch on fire would be a spectacle. Training burns aren't quick, they are exciting at times, but most of times you are looking at smoke, firemen milling around, and it is usually punctuated with fire.

Between shots I was showing Audrey how I set up shots. How I approached safety. I got over 840 shots from the 4 hours we were there, and in the end, the one I love the most is of her, over looking the fire ground wearing a bunker jacket. If you could see the front, her eyes were wide, jaw on the floor, and it appeared she was enjoying every single moment.

I was proud of her that day. Not because she came, but because she was getting cold, feet were hurting, and smoke was starting to make her second guess her decision to come, but she never complained, always paid attention, and in the end, gave me a huge hug and said thank you.

I am really the one that should be thanking her.

A picture in words

It is 6:30am. I have been awake for an hour and I have been staring at the blinking cursor on the screen. I have had my self-rationed 2 cups of coffee already and contemplating breaking my 2 cup rule. I have gone over and over what I have wanted to write several times in my head. It is right there, right about to come out, and then I lose it. Perhaps I am trying too hard, but perhaps the thoughts I do have just aren't done cooking.

Maybe my mind doesn't want to face the reality that not only our country is about to go over the proverbial fiscal cliff, but so is the family if I cannot get employed and fast. As this roller coaster gets close to the top of the hill, I am not scared. I find a great peace in accepting a fate I have no control over at this point. All I can do is continue to put my hat in the ring of several career paths in hopes that someone will bite. I have a feeling something may break loose; although I have been saying that for months now. 

An extraordinary group of people have started to advocate for me in a few places I never thought to explore before. Not because I asked, but because they offered. They understand that your worth is not the contents of a resume or a punch card of accomplishments. It is the ability to adapt, learn, and teach. Life isn't about what you accomplish, it is about what you leave behind. I have met a lot of rich people who have accomplished a lot and leave behind only money for their next generations. Money does nothing for anyone unless they understand how to use it to their advantage. Like a regular guy winning the lottery, it is easy to go bankrupt and then what did you leave behind?

This summer I have learned more about myself than I can possibly imagine. I learned how humble I must become and how much pride swallowing I had to do when all of a sudden I found myself without a job. I learned that my worth to my wife goes beyond the amount of money I put into the bank. I also learned that I am a terrible housekeeper (this shouldn't be a surprise). But in the end I learned that despite all the bullshit my wife and family has had to endure, we still love one another and would rather go through this all together than apart. 

Life has a funny way of teaching you what is important. I took what I had for granted. This summer, fall, and winter have taught me a lot about myself and even more about my family and friends. We are resilient, we love each other, and no matter what we are in it together and couldn't be happier. 

Here's to a new career and the start of a legacy. 

Subway Controversy

Today the New York Post published a shocking shocking photo on the cover. A man, pushed onto the tracks of a New York subway is attempting to get back onto the platform as a subway train is bearing down on him. The man in the photo was killed by that oncoming train and sparked a controversy.

The photographer, a freelance photographer for the Post, snapped frames of the ordeal. He states he was "attempting to get the driver's attention with his flash" to save the man's life. What is important here is not what the photographer was attempting to do.

He is a photographer for a news gathering organization, his job is to capture news. This photo shows that he was in close proximity to the victim, close enough to maybe lend a hand. Photos can be deceiving when it comes to proximity. Look at some hotel sites in major cities. There are some great photos showing how close to something each hotel is, but in the end, that is not always the case.

But this whole situation sheds light on the role of a photographer. Are they there to help or are they there to take pictures. This photographer is not a first responder. This situation might have happened so fast, the only thing he could do is to throw up his camera and snap a frame. This photo doesn't show how fast that train was moving. This photo doesn't show a realistic view of how close he really was to the victim.

This controversy of photographers is nothing new. Take the photo Kevin Carter shot in Sudan in 1993 for instance. He frames a chilling shot of a starving child being stalked by a vulture. People were critical of Carter for not helping the little girl, but was it his responsibility to do so? His job was there to capture the news. Bring light to a subject often in the dark. He was told not to touch the victims of the famine. The guilt Carter lived with had to be astronomical because three months later Carter committed suicide.

If we are putting the onus on the photographer of this photo to have helped this man, why aren't we putting anything on the crowds of people who were also on that platform? Why aren't we up in arms that other folks didn't jump in and help? If you want to blame a photographer for doing what he saw as the only thing he could do, you also have to blame every single person on that platform at the time for standing there and letting it happen. Why didn't the crowds of people subdue the man who pushed this guy onto the tracks? Because when humans see things that are unbelievable they freeze. They stare at them and sometimes they may never understand what they just saw until it was over. Firemen, paramedics, soldiers, and police officers are trained to run to danger. They are trained to help people; a photographer in the subway waiting to get on a train is not.

This photographer should not be lambasted. This was an unfortunate situation that had a terrible outcome.

I happen to think the photo is a metaphor for America.

It Makes Me Remember

Me during the magical summer of 2004, shortly after
Jenn and I started Dating

We all have that project. That one thing we have to do, but always find a way NOT to get it done. You know the boxes you packed 6 years ago and have yet to go through them. The room full of crap you kind of pushed in there to clean the other parts of your house for guests. The attic you throw crap into without a care in the world and now the cable guy has to come over and fix your cable and he needs to get through the attic, and there you are, sitting in the cold sorting through crap to get rid of to make a path. I know you can relate. 

Well I started one of those projects. I have a room dubbed the "office". It was neat and organized, until we realized that we have a full house of people coming and still have crap all over the house. So we took all that crap and threw it in the office, closed the door and said, "don't go in there". If the producers from Hoarders came through they would say that this room was just the start of a bigger problem. No joke. Well it was the past Monday when we realized that the only way to get out our Christmas decorations is to un-bury the hatch to get into the crawl space where we store them. 

So last night I started to pull boxes out. I realized they were packed and sorted totally incorrectly, so I started to sort through the contents of the boxes, bags, envelopes, and Rubbermaid containers. This morning the sorting and repacking of memories started again, but stopped suddenly when I came across a folder stuffed with cards. Christmas cards, thank-you notes, wedding invites, and ticket stubs. I stopped to look at them and they were every Christmas card I have ever sent Jenn....ever. The first Valentine's card I ever gave her, a ticket stub from when we went to a play downtown when we started dating. The invitation to her best friend's wedding where we rekindled our relationship (July 10, 2004) that was started in high school. With every nonsensical page I turned in this card montage a whole flood of memories came back. 

What stopped me in my tracks was a journal Jenn had written in semi-regularly for 6 or 7 months from July of 2004 to about January 2005. It just so happened to be those first months when we started dating again in the summer of 2004. It had all her uneasy feelings about the beginning of our relationship. Her self reflections on how she felt about me, about Audrey, and about where this "thing" was going. As I flipped and read parts of it I realized I have forgotten a little bit of the man my wife fell in love with. I forgot about what it was to make her feel good. Lately things have been so crappy financially that we have forgotten about ourselves in the big scheme of things or job hunting and working at all hours to get the bills paid. I know we can never go back to the way it "was" but as the years pass, sometimes we forget about the things that made us fall in love in the first place. 

The names I gave her in the beginning I felt were hokey; I knew she loved them, so I continued. The way her days would not suck when she woke up with my arms around her. I read a note I wrote to her in the form of a thank-you card in December of 2004. Telling her that she has made me a more self-confident man. She reminded me what was important I closed it with a thought that I know this was the beginning of something special and to last a long time. 

I saw pictures of what I was. A strong self-confident man who just got out of a situation that was not ideal. I was finding myself again back in 2004. Fast forward to 2012. I feel much the same way about my self as I did prior to that magical summer in 2004. I don't feel confident. I have the same recurring nightmare about sitting in a crashing airplane. The dream interpreters say that it signifies I have set lofty goals for myself that I fear will never come to fruition. It also shows I lack the confidence to make those goals happen. 

Well in 2004 the sky was limit. I want that again and I want it again with my wife. My wife who is magnificent. My wife who became a mother of our lovely pain in the ass(said lovingly), Addison. This whole project of cleaning out our office has made me remember what I was, who I am, and what I am capable of. It reminded me of the Dad I used to be, the fun one that always enjoyed playing games and reading books.

Many of us forget what it was like way back when we started to date our now wives. Often life gets in the way. When you get into a fight you forget all the great things you loved about the person. It took me finding a journal my now wife wrote 8 years ago to make me remember who I was and to realize what I have become. I am not a bad guy. I love my wife just as much as I did in 2004, but I have changed no doubt. I have gotten a little more lazy and fatter. I don't leave love notes for my wife anymore. I need to do that again. I love her more than words could show, but I need to try and show her more.

I believe that life puts relationships in situations designed to rip them apart. It is only when you get through them that you realize your bond with each other is stronger than ever. 

Here's to getting through this storm. 

Live to Buy Local

When Christmas morning rolls around and all the presents are opened; what are you left with? Another gadget taking up space in an electric outlet. Another toy to step on in the middle of the night. Another bland whatever that everyone seems to have this year. 

On Cyber Monday places like Wal-Mart, Target, and Best Buy are spending huge sums of money to put their ads on TV, so they can capitalize on your holiday spending. You aren't buying the gift from a person, you are buying it from a huge corporation. That is amazing, but there are hosts of small operators that sell things at a higher quality than any mass produced big store can offer. Here are some of my favorites.

Dick and Jane Create by Cierra - Cierra knits these crazy cool hats to show your pride in your neighborhood. Looking for a knit cap, scarf, or any other awesome accessory to set yourself apart, check it out. 

Equine Expression by D - Dawn creates charms and jewelry with a equine theme. I met her while she was just starting out and it is awesome to see her shop grow. People buy it from all over the world. She has items in some equine catalogs, but buying it directly from Dawn benefits her and the local economy more. 

G Squared Studio - I am the new guy to the game. Unique Photography from Firefighters to Airplanes, we have something for almost everyone. Paracord creations like bracelets and keychains, designed for functionality. Drink coasters to accent your room. We've been featured in a few treasury collections on Etsy. The fire hose picture frame is our most viewed item, and it will look great hanging on your wall. 

Support these businesses. We are small. We benefit the local economy. We want your business. 

The Thankful Summer

Coming up there are going to be plethora of "What I'm Thankful posts" because as Americans facing a holiday many businesses, consumers, and retail workers either hate, love, or forget; we have to show how much better we are from the status quo and talk about how much we hate the Christmas Seasons because of its superfluous consumerism and show how thankful we are.

That is why I am doing my 'thankful' type post a whole week early. It shows that I really do care about those around me without a national holiday telling me.

But really, I really am thankful for everything I have. I am thankful for my wife who is supportive of whatever crazy dream I might have. I am thankful for my two lovely children, which if my wife has her way, will be getting a brother or sister as soon as I (or she) get a full-time job. I am also thankful for all the people who have called me, sent me texts, emailed, tweeted, Facebook'd, and more importantly helped he build on the skill set I wanted to create into a career somehow.

Since May I feel like a weight was lifted off my chest. I no longer had to go to a job I didn't like. I no longer had to wear a suit that I never felt comfortable in anyway. More importantly I was happy. That being said the lack of money, uncertainty, job interviews, and also hit on my credit was also not fun in any way. But with unemployment benefits, I was able to look for a new full-time job, but in the meantime I could build some skills for a job I really really really want.

My summer was terrific despite all the adversity, and I think that is hard to remember because the bad things were pretty bad, but also the good things were really good.

Laura and her daughter Emily at a beach on Lake Erie

The summer really started when my friend Laura and her two daughters Kelley and Emily came in from Boston for a week. There is something to be said for a family who travels from what is considered one of America's great cities to spend a week at what some consider a city not worth a damn (we all know I love Cleveland, but outside looking in, if you never come, you'll never know). We saw all the coolest places. The Westside Market, Ohio City, The Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, Rock n Roll Hall of Fame (again), Lakeview Beach, Melt (again), and even a dive bar in downtown.  It was a great time.

Hotter in Cleveland morning Safety Brief 

While Laura was in town I was also given a terrific opportunity to build on my on-scene photography skills. I got an email from the largest fire department in the area to take part in one of the largest full-scale drills in recent memory. I got to work closely with the PIOs from a few different organizations, media types, and even friends who I have worked with before. It was nice having being included with media, even though I am a blogger, avid tweeter, and photographer. I am non-traditional, but many large organizations marginalize our reach; it was nice to see Cleveland including us in their plans. This opportunity allowed me to test a few theories I have had in my head. It allowed me to see how the PIO world operated in a scenario and how they could leverage a photographer into their plans. Most of my ideas can work I have learned, and it is exciting to see if Cleveland adds to that. They might, they might not. But the opportunity to be as close as I was is something you can't forget.

Fire Academy Student (Left) and Instructor venting roof of house

Even before this exercise I was expanding my chops for on-scene photography when my mom called me and said, rather loudly into my ear, "They're burning today!" She was talking about a house set for demolition on Lake Rd. near her home. The owner, instead of tearing it down to build his new house, he donated it to the Tri-C Fire Academy for a live fire exercise. I had no clue who was running it, I had no clue what to expect, so I packed my camera and batteries and headed to the scene. I got there as they were tapping the hydrant. I hadn't missed the fires. I spoke with the cop on duty and handed him my card and said, "I'd love to see if I can come on-scene to shoot this" The cop being one of the coolest cops ever was appreciative of me asking. So he sent a student firefighter up to the command post and minutes later he came back, with a fire chief. He asked what I wanted to do, I explained I want to get as close as you'll let me. I name dropped a bunch of people that I worked with before and in the off chance this guy knew them and called them, they wouldn't laugh me off scene. Come to find out they let me on-scene. I got to get closer than the local media, and I proved more concepts of on-scene photography. Mainly a photographer can be a second set of eyes for the safety officer. To an untrained or uninitiated photographer, many missteps can be missed. I was lucky to have as much time in training as some firefighters.

It's hard to believe it gets better but it does; but it will have to wait for another post.